I debated about writing this post or staying away from my blog completely, but in the end I have decided to share what’s been happening during my (so far brief) hiatus. I won’t be hanging around for long, but I want to talk about something that really surprised me. Something sad turned to glad.
As some of you know, I have experienced three (known) miscarriages since 2002. Pretty sure it’s four now.
I started my blogging break by being a few days late for my period. I have been regular for a long time now, with the exception of weird times during weaning and the starting up of exercise. So, with a week of nothing but lateness, I started getting optimistic. I didn’t test, though. I try not to test until I am significantly late so that I won’t know about an early loss.
I tested just before Christmas. I was a few days shy of being two weeks late. I was tired, had sore breasts, little energy, etc. I knew it was going to be positive. After having six pregnancies, you know your body’s signs pretty well.
It was negative. I was disappointed and thoroughly confused. But then it hit me – these circumstances matched my first miscarriage. I was likely having another early loss. My husband was actually on to that fact before I was, and asked me if I thought that was what was going on. I agreed it was probably the case. I was sad because I knew what it could mean, but I held onto a little bit of hope After all, I wasn’t bleeding…yet.
Four more days went by with nothing, so I tested again. I knew that if it was negative, my body was more than likely gearing up for a miscarriage. I just prayed it wouldn’t drag on and on. That it would happen quickly and naturally.
The test was negative. I wasn’t going to be having a baby in August, as I had hoped. No, the next day I started bleeding heavily and passing large clots. Now, whether it was a miscarriage or just a reeeaaally long cycle (which I highly doubt), it was still a loss because my husband and I both desire to have another baby. We have been “trying” for a long time now.
My hope for a baby was gone…but a pretty awesome thing was there in its place.
It is incredible! The Holy Spirit has been here with me and He is giving me such an indescribable peace. I have always really grieved hard while experiencing this kind of loss, but this time is different. I have always felt like it was a mistake, that it was wrong (like I shouldn’t be losing the baby), but now I realize - it’s okay. It isn’t that He is different this time, it’s that I have been spending more time with Him and learning His ways, so that when something hard came into my life again, He has been able to really show Himself and the power He can have in daily struggles.
I have known the Lord for many years, but most of that time my mind has not been stayed/kept on Him the way that is necessary to walk fully with Him. Especially when it comes to stress. I have struggled unnecessarily during times of hardship, when all along I could have been experiencing His peace.
What’s really amazing is that He wants to have a relationship with us! He doesn’t want to be our religion. He wants to comfort us and to be there when times are rough. He wants to bless us. It isn’t enough just to believe there is a God – you have to accept His Son as your saviour, and believe what He did for you on the cross. He died for ALL of our sins and He wants a relationship with us because He LOVES us!
And what’s more – He gives us the gift of salvation and a relationship with Him through GRACE (which just means we don’t deserve it and we can’t earn it). It doesn’t matter who you are or what you’ve done – He will forgive you and welcome you into the body of Christ when you believe and accept His gift! :D And what a gift it is! Your life will never be the same.
Please don’t hesitate to email me at firstname.lastname@example.org if you have yet to meet Him! I would love to share more about Him with you!!
I hope you have a lovely New Year and I look forward to returning to blogging somewhere down the line.