Becoming the Sexy Wife


I am a housewife. A happy one. Or, homemaker, if you please.

I cook, clean, do the laundry, raise the children, and – Oh Yeah! – we homeschool too. I love it for sure, and I am very much aware of how lucky I am to be in this position instead of  leaving my house to go to work every day. I get to wake up and do the one thing I want to do most ! Yes, I am blessed.

But a strange thing happened to me over the years…a syndrome, of sorts. I wasn’t aware of it, but I knew I wasn’t the same as when I had first gotten married. Thankfully, though, I have made a full recovery! Dr Laura, in The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands describes it this way:

“After marriage, and definitely after having children, too many wives contract the ‘Frump syndrome,” the symptoms of which include…”

  • flannel pants & fuzzy socks
  • or sweatpants with oversized T-shirts

to bed, instead of some girlie thing with lace…” You know, we shouldn’t be wearing these things in the evening, ladies!

If you can’t manage lace, at least aim for something like this:

It’s Victoria’s Secret, so you know it’s sexy!

These are comfortable *and* sexy!

 Don’t get me wrong, I love my sweats and fuzzy socks, but I much prefer being the object of my husband’s attention instead! ;)

Back to the book…Other symptoms of “Frump syndrome” may include …”not shaving legs or grooming nails; not washing, styling or even combing hair; and taking off (instead of freshening up) makeup from the day just before your husband comes home…”

We need more of these, girls ;):

Smooth legs.

Soft hair.

Yes, we’re tired. Heck, you might very well be exhausted! I’m willing to bet he is too. But then, think of what a sight for sore eyes you are, feminine as can be, with a smile for your man when he walks through the door! My experience has been really amazing with this. It never fails – when I am happy, pleasant, and took a little bit of time on my appearance, my husband shows how he appreciates it. He is more affectionate and complimentary, and it seems to put him in a better mood almost instantly. He is HAPPY to be home!

A woman wrote in to Dr. Laura’s radio show, saying “Women expect to be wooed yet be allowed to look haggish and frumpy. It’s hard to romance a hag and come off as being sincere.”

In chapter 6, entitled What’s Sex?, the author says, “It might seem that I’m suggesting that men are totally superficial, requiring that their wives look like Playboy centerfolds, and while that’s a popular stereotype, my research in preparation for this book demonstrates otherwise. It’s not ‘absolute perfection’ that men desire from their wives (although a “10” walking by will get any man’s attention); it’s the effort the wives put in to pleasing their men that seems to make the most impact. That’s not a superficial concept. It means that men appreciate that their wives care about their ‘male nature’,

which responds dramatically to visual stimulation.”

One husband wrote to Dr. Laura, saying, among other things, that men “…like normal, naturally shaped women” and “Husbands have an intrinsic need to enjoy their wives’ bodies ‘visually’ for their emotional well-being.”

She says, “Frankly, men like to look at their wives’ bodies naked…see them in something sexy. Men need this visual excitement, and they should get it from their wives…”

There is much more on the subject, but for now, take care of yourself. You (and your hubby) will be glad you did!


You Might Also Like:

Becoming The Sexy Wife Part 2

Time and Energy

103 thoughts on “Becoming the Sexy Wife

  1. I LOVE this. My family thinks I’m so silly for getting all dolled up just before my husband comes home, but I want him to remember why he’s excited to come home to ME! Plus, I have all day to lounge around in jeans and a ponytail thanks to his hard work. The least I can do is put on a little make up for him.

    It isn’t always easy because he works weird shifts and sometimes he comes home right when the kids are sleepy/hungry/grumpy and I feel overwhelmed (not the feel-sexiest time) but I make 4 days/wk my goal!
    P.S. I’m so glad you found my blog!

    • I can’t believe I missed this comment!! Helping him remember why he should be excited to come home is a GREAT reason to get dolled up! :D Thanks for the comment.

  2. Love this! And I have actually experienced this two years into marriage (holds head in shame!). But to be fair we had just had a baby and appearance was the last thing on my mind! But back at work now so I’m more dressy! Yessss! :)
    You go Sexy Wife!
    And thanks for visiting my blog!

  3. Amen! I recently just lost 35lbs…. The looks I he gave were priceless. We all have those days when we need to chill out and just let go but if you are doing that all the time, you just may have some depression going on, or you may be in a place with a new born! It took me a few years to really appreciate where I am as a mother. I am so honored Heavenly Father chose me to be here in this moment. I am happy to see someone else revel in it!
    Blessing to you and yours..Michele

  4. My poor husband ! I agree with this but sadly i was prego when we got married so was always sick and tired and then of course had the LO … Lol and gave had sooooo many breastfeed ing issues plus she’s a very cranky high needs baby so I’m lucky if I get a shower and I walk around with no shirr most of the day since I’m almost constantly attempting to nurse/build my milk supply/pumping ! Lol but one day here hopefully soon… I will be the hot wife again !!! I loved being sexy for him before and I’m grateful he remembers and still loves me and tells me all the time how adorable I am !!

    • How old is your daughter? You have to realize that after having a baby you are #1, a mother, and your energy/focus is your baby! You’re still a wife, but your time WILL be given to your baby, not your man. :) You aren’t neglecting your husband, you are doing an awesome job! You’ll be “sexy” again but right now, just take care of you and little one. ;) Thanks for reading.

  5. She will be 12 weeks on Monday! :) Thanks. Thankfully he knows that too! I do miss feeling like a human being though! But I know the “rough” part is almost past.. we just have to re-teach her some better sleep habits :/

    • Cute new avatar pic! You know, I read your most recent post and I have to say, I wonder if the PPD is due to the bf’ing issues and all that pumping!! I can’t stand pumpinp; it’s time consuming, doesn’t feel the best, and I would much rather be nursing! Sleep deprivation can also make a person depressed! I co-slept with Samuel for the first few months just so I didn’t have to get up except to change his diaper. Please keep posting to get out how you feel. I’ll be reading and offering any advice I can as well as encouragement. :) You’re doing great, Mama!

  6. Thanks for stopping by my blog! I love this post. My problem is that my husband works the night shift, so I’m asleep when he gets home. He climbs into bed in the middle of the night, and I don’t even notice (please don’t break into my house because I’ll sleep right through it!! ha!) Then when he gets up I’m in full-on cleaning, baby changing mode and he leaves for work while I’m homeschooling. Hopefully this won’t last forever and he can have a “sexy” wife on Monday-Friday someday!! :)

    • Oh, well what can you do. Night work stinks for everyone! My husband does that sometimes as well and it’s hard. Lol about sleeping – I am the same way (except when my little one wakes) Only thing I can suggest is that even our wear-at-home clothes can be attractive! After reading the book I posted about, I asked my husband if it would be alright if I got some new clothes (hardly anything I had fit because I had just had a baby a few months prior). I am NOT a spender, so I went to Goodwill and low and behold I came home with some cute things. Comfortable & casual, but feminine, colorful, and becoming on me. My hubby was happy! I was able to school and clean in the clothes and I felt a confidence and sexiness that had been lacking before, except on special occasions. I felt like I was dressing up because I was wearing things that made me feel cute! Anyway, without having spent much, I got something like 5 new shirts and 3 new pairs of pants. It was nice. I hope you get to see him more in the coming weeks/months. Thanks for your comment. :)

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  9. “Women expect to be wooed yet be allowed to look haggish and frumpy. It’s hard to romance a hag and come off as being sincere.” That line says it all really. I’m too pregnant to care right now lol but even now I will sometimes remember to put on a nice top I haven’t worn for days on end and I always always do my hair. Unfortunately/fortunately I live with the most oblivious man in the world but if I feel prettier than I am often nicer which is just better for everyone!

    • Haha, pregnant women do NOT count! ;) You’re sexy anyway just for being pregnant!! Feeling pretty for yourself is also very important. Thank you for pointing that out. :)

  10. My grandmother has always said the trick to a happy marriage is to look nice. She is still the most beautiful put together woman I have ever seen. My grandfather recently bought her a new car and when discussing the reasons for the purchase he said “because your grandma looks hot when she gets out of it”

  11. My mother was a good example for this – she used to dress nicely and touch up her make-up just before my dad came home from work; she told us that my dad would see decently dressed women at his workplace everyday and it was important that he didn’t come back to a self-neglected wife. I have to admit that I am far away from measuring up to that standard. Thank you for your reminder!

    • Your mom had a good point! :) My husband works with concrete, so he ISN’T with women at all, but then, because of that I like thinking how lovely I will look to him after he’s been seeing a bunch of dirty (literally! ;) ) men all day.

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  15. I have thoroughly enjoyed reading all of your posts, I find myself smiling and nodding along ESPECIALLY on the posts like these. I have some friends who find my perspective on marriage weird, it is so nice to know that I am not the only one to view marriage and my husband and the Lord like you write in your posts! I’ve nominated you for the Liebster Blog Award, if you want to participate click on my most recent post and follow the directions :) Thanks for being a great encouragement!

    • Thanks. :D That’s really nice of you! I’m glad you’ve enjoyed my posts. Yeah, I know we’re a bit in the minority when it comes to marriage, aren’t we? (you know, the whole respect thing, and love thing… ;) ) I’ll have to finish up a 15 day challenge I’m doing and then I’ll participate in the Award. Thanks again!

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  17. Great post! I enjoyed reading it :) I’m not married but have been with my boyfriend a few years. There are definitely days where I’m all “frump” but I do try to have more days where I get dolled up for him.

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  20. Ah, I can see why this one was so popular! This is very good advice. You know what I hate to see – ungroomed nails. It’s gone out of fashion somewhat to paint your nails. Everyone either goes bare or has those tips put on. But it is just so easy to use some quick-dry polish, and men love nice nails.

    Another point, though, and this may be a touchy one…I think the husbands need to keep themselves looking nice too. Staying in shape, mouthwash, aftershave, a nice haircut…these were all a part of the appeal in the first place. No need for men not to keep it up once they are married.

    • Thanks! Yeah, I’m not a fan of tips either. Painted nails are VERY sexy – good point! And I absolutely agree with you on the husband’s part. I had to have a lengthy discussion with my husband several months ago about shaving daily again because he had gotten into the habit of only doing it like every 3rd or 4th day. I guess he thought he’d only been doing it for himself but when I told him it is attractive to ME when he is clean-shaven, he perked up and has been doing it ever since! He also kisses me more when he’s smooth, which we both appreciate! :)

    • Thanks :D Yeah, I know tiredness definitely has an effect on how we behave, but it’s so worth it!! When I put in the effort, it makes us BOTH pleased. ;)

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  23. Such a great post!!! Seriously being a first time mama, I’m learning the difficulty of balancing my time. There are days where I am so good and I get ready for the day, then there are other times when I seriously look like I rolled out of bed. Sweat pants it is. I’m hoping i learn how to juggle my time better. I mean I see mothers with multiple kids and i only have one… You guys are amazing!!!!

    • Thanks! Well, from the pics I’ve seen of you and your home, you have zero problem in this department!! BUT I know how easy it is on the average day to walk around in sweats (and still be that way when the hubby gets home) but we really should try to change that because it is a BLESSING to our men when we look nice (and sexy!) ;)

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  25. Great post!
    I am really to avoid the trap, but the first week I stay home permanently, my husband is out of town ALL week! I fear that it is going to take over.. luckily, I have a wedding to be in the saturday he comes home, so maybe that will make me bust out of it.

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  27. Lets be fair though. I feel like all the expectations are on women. When was the last time he brought flowers, or offered to watch the kids so you could get your hair done? I think its just about not falling in a rut and keeping it fresh.

    • But a man WILL do those things when he is smitten with his wife! I saw a big change with my husband when I started putting his need for a sexy, interested wife at the top of my list! And I felt so much better about myself too.
      Men often don’t continue to act how they did when they were dating, and I really do think a lot of that has to do with how their wife changes (especially after children).
      The thing is, I don’t feel like I have to be how I am, I want to. It’s not about getting him to do anything for me either, but he does anyway. <3

  28. Oh gosh. I know this post is old but I wish I’d seen it sooner. I have the Frump Syndrome! But am now inspired to maybe do something about it!

    • This post is my most-viewed, and still gets high ranking each week! ;)
      I’m glad it could inspire you! Our husbands deserve happy, sexy wives! :D

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  30. I love that you’ve said this! I feel like its a faux pa to say that wives should make themselves attractive for their husbands. It’s also a good reminder because I could be doing a better job as I’m currently sitting on the couch in a t-shirt and sweats:)

    • There are many things about being a proper wife that are considered “dated” but then think of how many marriages are falling! Maybe we need to go back to the “dated” stuff!! ;)

  31. This post is right in the point that I was wondering before. Since I have baby I haven’t looked after my appearance a lot and I recognised that I didn’t dress nice any more. :( . I know I got frump syndrome. I want to become a sexy wife! :) Thanks for reminding me!

  32. You have called me out m’am. My husband is a super hairy dude. I can get around shaving my legs, he really thinks they are shaved when they are like wooky furry! I’ve got 2 under 2 so I’ve been pregnant almost the entire time we’ve been married…I really need to step it up. Thanks for a great reminder. A great reason to clothes shop too. (Haven’t been able to buy regular clothes yet but I’m getting closer to pre-pregnancy weight.)

  33. “Frankly, men like to look at their wives’ bodies naked…see them in something sexy. Men need this visual excitement, and they should get it from their wives…” I truly think if my husband was getting this somewhere else it would destroy me. I’ve always been in fear of being frumpy, and when I feel it coming on I have to snap out of it. This is something I think more women need to realize. No one looks good hair, messy and frumpy!!

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  35. The first time I read this I was really put-off by it. I have a pretty feminist mind-set and this just screamed “objectification” to me. That is why I didn’t respond to it then. You were making a choice for you and I didn’t want to judge you for it. I have had some time to think on it, though.

    I definitely see your point and I have eased up on the “objectification” idea. It all comes back to the idea “the only behavior you can control is your own.”. If I want things to be spicy and fun like when we were just kids, I have to do things like when we were just kids. I honestly don’t think he cares that much about my appearance, but you definitely aren’t going to feel sexy if you look like you just rolled out of bed. I rarely ever look like that, but you catch my drift.

    I think my biggest struggle is being that happy, smiling face when he gets home. He usually gets home while I’m cooking dinner and, often, I’m pretty worn out from the days happenings so there isn’t a big smile and a “I’m happy to see you” on my lips.

    • While my husband isn’t turned off by my appearance if I *haven’t* done anything special (say, when I am in sweatpants and a t-shirt), he certainly appreciates when I have attempted to bring out the sexy! ;) I think that’s my whole point – to bless your man with a little extra effort as often as you can.

  36. Glad I’m not the only one who’s been guilty of this! Great read! My husband may find me sexy no matter what I look like sometimes but I know when I’m dolled up he’s extra happy to see me at the door.

    • Shoot, I’m fairly certain that everyone is guilty of this at some point! It’s just so easy to be comfy. But, boy, is it worth it to spend a few extra minutes and get “dolled up”! Thanks for reading. :)

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  38. I am definitely working on being more of a sexy wife. After two kids I let myself go when i used to be such a great dresser and sexy woman. Now I am working on myself and being sexy makes me happy…the hubby doesnt mind either.

  39. I love this! I’m actually working on a post with tips for fighting frump while being home with baby all day, and this is SO spot on with my line of thinking!

  40. This is a great reminder! I’ve definitely fallen victim to frump syndrome. I want those sexy yet comfy Victoria’s Secret pajamas! I’m going to go take a shower right now :)

  41. I have to remember this. I can fall into the frump slump myself. On those days where I take the extra few moments, my husbands always makes sure to pay a little extra attention and pay me a compliment. That always makes me feel better about myself too. I guess I should do that more often.

  42. 😱 I have dat frump syndrome big time n dat is just after one kid. What am I gonna do after few more kids. Thanks Valerie for opening my eyes. I am getting lazier day by day when it comes to me. Need to do some work

    • I actually need to as well. :P It’s crazy what happens to your size (back and forth) when you have a baby. My pre-preg (baby #3) pajamas were cute…now? not so much.

  43. I really enjoyed this! I should retire the flannel christmas pants that I wear year round. Ha! I did notice that when I bought a pair of shorts (literally just shorts) it kind of made my husband’s day. :)

  44. Oh my, I’m glad I just found your blog! I could definitely use some help in this arena. After having my little boy, I have totally become less hygenic (tmi??) and this may sound bad, but I felt justified in it. I was so tired! I think you are right though, it is important to put effort into my relationship with my husband. I also loved the quotes you shared from Dr. Laura- seriously- this will bless my marriage so much! Thank you for your thoughts!

  45. This post was a great reminder for me to get out of the “frump” style! Your descriptions were 100% relatable to me and the outfit I was wearing all but 5-minutes ago… I was so motivated, I ran upstairs to get dressed with a little effort before finishing reading!

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